sweet as sugar
by andthenshesaid
Summary: When she thinks of birthdays all that comes to her mind are pink cupcakes, faded hair ribbons, and too many tears. Johanna.


It's Johanna's 5th birthday and no one will celebrate with her, because daddy isn't coming home. She doesn't really know where he is, but he's not here, and her mother keeps crying, and it's all very annoying.

Because it's her birthday, so she should get a cupcake and an extra hug and she should be loved. But instead no one is talking about her birthday, and her daddy isn't here to let her sit on his lap and talk about her day.

And she's _not being loved_.

She starts crying and her mother starts crying and even her brother is crying and she thinks that this is what heartbreak feels like.

.

She's 7 and sitting on a hard wooden bench, surrounded by the whole town. Johanna is wearing the prettiest blue dress (it's not pink, but she tries not to care) and holding a bouquet of blue and white flowers and her hair is tied up with a pink and purple striped ribbon and then there's her mother, in a white shift dress, and no one but her brother, who grumpily hands her a cupcake with icing whiter than her mother's dress and a bright green candle seems to remember it's her birthday.

He tells her to make a wish and blow it out, and she wishes for everyone to smile and remember that it's her birthday.

And then he whispers quietly, too quietly, about how it's only been 2 years, a week less than 2 years, and that this is all wrong. And Johanna wants to make him smile, so she looks up at him and tells him that of course he's right and when the man in the black suit come to pat her head, she bites his hand.

There's a ghost of a smile on her brothers face.

.

She's 9 and they're all celebrating again, and there are even some ribbons dangling from the ceiling and her mother's belly is huge and the man-who-is-not-her-dad is at work instead of home and her brother is smiling.

And then her mother pulls out 3 cupcakes and one is purple and one is pink and one is green and it's all her favorite colors, and then her is lighting the candles with a match and her mother is bleeding and there's lots of blood and then her brother is yelling things.

They go to a midwife, and there's still too much blood, and the man-who-is-not-her-father shows up and her brother screams about how he killed her mother and the man screams and then there's punching and even more blood and so much screaming and the midwife, who's an old lady, round and wrinkly and soft like an apple that you let go to waste, tells her to go say goodbye to her mother.

She goes home and lights her own candle and wishes for a happy birthday.

But she knows it's a stupid wish.

.

It's Johanna's 11th birthday and it rained the day before so she can just see the glimpse of a rainbow. She ties her hair up with a dusty old pink and purple striped ribbon (it's her favorite, because her daddy gave it to her) and her brother took the day of work.

He gives her a cupcake with bright pink icing and eleven pennies and tells her not to just lick the icing off and to throw all the pennies in the river and make a wish on every single one.

She eats the icing and the cupcake together, because she knows he saved up for weeks to buy it, even if everyone knows that licking is more fun. And then she throws the pennies, one by one, into the river and wishes for silly little things like kittens and hair ribbons and a room made of cupcakes and for a boy in her class to kiss her and more birthdays like this, and for them to all live happily ever

Not one of them comes true, and Johanna's happy little fantasy cracks a bit more, cracks and cranks until she's not sure much of it is left.

.

It's her 13th birthday and she spends it watching a huge boy from District 2 give a speech.

He has curly blond hair and green eyes, and some people are even comparing him to Finnick Odair, only his eyes are piggy and he's built like a gorilla, and Finnick's hair looks cooler. Johanna thinks those people have brain problems.

She thinks everyone here has brain problems.

Johanna watched this person bash her brothers head in with a mace (all the weapons were maces, how was that supposed to work) and she watched him chuckle a bit as her brother died and she wants to go hide, and it's her birthday, and she isn't happy, and doesn't that just seem to be a repeating pattern in her life?

She doesn't buy a cupcake that year.

She's Johanna Mason and she doesn't need cupcakes.

She tries to burn her hair ribbon, the purple and pink striped one that is her absolute favorite, but once she the edges go black, the smell that fills the air makes her gag.

.

Johanna turns 15 on her victory tour and the entire train makes a huge deal of it. She's served a huge meal and her mentor is smiling and there are huge cakes covered in berries and sugared flowers and the entire table is covered in pink, because during her interview she had said it was her favorite color (she remembered, because that's the only question she didn't lie about).

No one thought to add cupcakes, but she tries not to mind.

She ties her hair up with a pink and purple ribbon so faded it looks white, except for the blackened edges and she wears a dress that's all pale pink lace, and she thinks that this might be the birthday she wished for every year since she was 5.

But it's not, because there's no one there who matters.

But no one really matters anymore, anyway.

.

**4th hunger games oneshot in a week. go me, i guess? **

**read and review, please?**


End file.
